Modern Blah, Blah: Pt 4 - Paging Dr. Doogie

This all started earlier this year about going to the doctor and feeling old - titled "Modern... whatever that word is for things you remember?" and my followup doctor experience "Modern... whatever... : Pt. 2 Adding Insult to Injury" and most recently Modern Whatever: Pt 3 Back to the Doctor.

When our story ended last time, I was in a cliffhanger (it was sweeps week, what do you expect). I finally went to the doctor with fear of the flu only to have my hopes and dreams of treating it dashed with ol' fashioned wagon-side medicin'ing.

As our story begins this time... I really am sick and I've had a whole weekend of discomfort to prove it. I finally dragged myself off the couch and across the lawn to my car for another visit to.... Dr. Doogie (disclaimer - he is very young, but his name is not really Doogie, but he is a Doctor... I think). After arriving I found that there was a waiting room full of people looking as haggard as ever. To my dismay, the lady at the front desk didn't even ask why I was there or my symptoms - just a simple have a seat. Every time someone had their name called, I felt like I was in a bad episode of the Twilight Zone where the person was really being hauled off to a grizzly death (probably an ironic episode which urged people not to eat meat by using aliens as a metaphor - that seemed to happen a lot during that show).

Anywho, so I'm waiting my turn only to find that everything goes quickly and by the numbers. The only annoying thing was that the nurse told me I had lost weight. I was almost happy for myself, but she said it in a way that ruined the whole experience. It was more of a "oh too bad you're sick, but at least you lost some weight" kind of way. I really didn't have the energy to slap anyone, so ultimately cool heads prevailed.

Dr. Doogie actually gave me some medicine this time and a shot. For this, I was grateful but ultimately bummed out. I once again needed to take a steroid and antibiotics for a sinus infection. If you needed to view my medical history over the last 30 years on a graph, then probably a good parallel would be to view the Billboard chart sales of the band Wang Chung over the same time period. And on that note I will be praying for a Wang Chung reunion tour in 2010.

We Exist! (No Longer a Figment of Your Imagination)

Today I was trying to find out why our address was wrong on a billing statement. One of the problems was that the company couldn't find our address at all. We've had trouble finding our street on things like Google Maps or Yahoo Maps. Apparently our neighborhood is still new enough that the maps were incomplete or out of date. Today I found our street address for the first time. About time, I say. Only one problem, the map is still a little out dated.

Ever heard of the phrase my "name is mud" before? Well apparently our house is mud. This satellite imaging shows that we live in this field... supposedly scouring the terrain for wild game and picking berries for sustenance. Swiss Family Roberts.

New and Improved Monkey Proof Bananas - Mini Sized

Recently I watched a internet posted video in which a man explained the best way to peel a banana. And lo and behold, it was true and his method was better. What was the trick? See the video below for the explanation.

How I see it, the monkey had a few million years to perfect the art of banana peeling - we as humans only had possibly thousands. And being humans, we were not going to admit that we were doing it wrong. So... we just kept doing the same old way. Sort of like the guy who won't stop to get directions, even though he knows he's lost. "Damn it woman, I know where I'm going, now quit nagging me so much." Or the guy that won't dare use the instruction manual that comes with a piece of office furniture or electronics equipment.

Monkeys be damned, I just don't want to admit that the easiest way to peel a banana... is well... that easy. Now apes be warned! Humans have concocted a banana that is resistant to your foolish endeavors... mu hahaha! I give you... the mini banana.

I attempted my new monkey technique on these little suckers... it's a no go. The technique of squeezing the end and peeling back skin is not only difficult but results in the banana being smashed. Some how science has found a way to shrink bananas and intentionally or unintentionally prevent the monkey peeling method. Personally, I'm very proud of modern science for doing so. Now monkeys will have to fumble through the ritual of trying to open bananas like everyone else. Serves them right.

For the record, in mini bananas (or bananettes as I call them) -

Science 1

Apes 0

So what if mini bananas are too expensive, too small, too hard to find, too bananay - they're still monkey proof. So if you are on team Charlton Heston, then be happy that you're bananas are now safer than ever from monkey hi-jinx.

"Take your stinking paws off [my mini bananas], you damned dirty ape!"

Modern... Whatever: Pt 3 - Back to the Doctor

This past week as been beyond a doubt one of the most trying times of my entire life. To add to all of this, I found out that some of the people I've been spending time with day after day... have the type A flu. Which with my understanding, this could be the bad kind but they are waiting for the genetic testing to determine if it is. So, here I am today feeling tired... sore throat... earache... slight fever... and the phone rings with my friend telling me about his same symptoms and finding out he has the flu.

Crap.

Well if you don't know my doctor situation, then read my previous blogs from earlier this year about going to the doctor and feeling old - titled "Modern... whatever that word is for things you remember?" and my followup doctor experience "Modern... whatever... : Pt. 2 Adding Insult to Injury"

I go to my doctor, or Doctor Doogie as I call him. I'm pretty sure that this guy is younger than me and confidently certain that I wouldn't want to know how much younger - so I don't ask. I then speak to two different nurses, each with their own laptop... I kept waiting to hear Star Trek's Captain Picard say over the intercom... "Doctor Crusher, report to the sickbay at once." Then after this, I took two swab tests - one for the flu and one for strep. Both results were back less than ten minutes later. Oh the wonders of modern technology! Then the doctor confidently told me that they were negative and had no idea what was wrong with me. He suggested for my sore throat and earache to start sleeping on my other side.

What?

Why not just tell me to go home and eat chicken noodle soup... or rub some snake oil on my neck and then do a little dance while speaking in tongues. I waited in the sitting area for twenty minutes, then waited in the room with two different nurses and the doctor - all for that advice. You've got to be kidding. Thanks, but no thanks, Doogie. I will just go home and drink lots of fluids and take my vitamin C. I'm pretty sure that I saw that on advertising or on public television or something. Not solid, high tech advice - but better than sleep on my other side, eeeggaad man.

If I'm going to visit some young prodigal medicine man, then the least he could do was give me antibiotics or something. Nothing too experimental, just the standard mid-Twentieth Century attempt at The Hippocratic Oath. Geeeez. Maybe next time, I'll just google my illness or just ask Web-MD to give me some helpful advice. At least with googling, I could've saved a $30 co-pay and had the exact same results. I've about reached my limit from dealings with Doogie.

If somehow there is a super computer intelligence off in the distant future, out there skimming the interweb, reading my words. Read this, if you can alter time a la Terminator style - then please bend space and time so that you can send help. Send push button medical science from the future and get it here as fast as you can... or just beam me to your sickbay.

Top TV Shows: Cancelled Too Soon Pt 2

To see my Top TV Shows: Cancelled Too Soon Pt 1 containing my number 6 through 10 countdown, then check my archives from May 2009.

5. Invader Zim - Premiered in 2001. Length - 2 seasons / 46 episodes (including pilot)

Well, where do I begin? This to me has got to be the best show to ever come from Nickelodeon. Not only is it extremely funny, it's also astonishingly smart and well thought out. The story centers around an alien that is planning to infiltrate humans and then ultimately conquer earth. But, he's a total screw up. In fact, he's so irritating to his own race that the assignment to take over earth was given to him by the other aliens just to get rid of him. Zim doesn't know that the invasion army is not really coming... he's been sent to earth to get out of everyone's way. To help Zim with "the assignment" the Irken Empire's leaders give him the assistance of a robot, Gir. But this robot has problems... namely he's stupid. There's absolute nothing Gir won't do or say. Everytime he opens his little robot mouth, taken notice - he is pure comedic genius.

This shows was semi-saved by the fans in 2006, but ultimately still was looked down upon by Nickelodeon as too dark or too adult for children. I think if this show would've been sold to Adult Swim, then I wouldn't even be typing about it right now. This show could still be on the air. Recently the DVDs went out of print, so a simple box set of Zim is now worth about $150 - and limited editions with Gir figure go for about $250. Networks take notice... people still love this show.

4. Tru Calling - Premiered in 2003. Length - 1.5 seasons / 26 episodes

It feels just like only yesterday... it was Fall of 2003 and I (like everyone else) was feeling depressed about the ending of Buffy the previous Spring. Then this show came along, starring Eliza Dushku. We all knew it wasn't Buffy (or even Faith), but somehow it did get us through the week. I guess it was kind of like people using the nicotine patches instead of smoking. And week after week, the show slowly started to grow on me, filling the void - but also establishing it's own likable qualities. Then... they pulled the rug out from under me and cancelled it - damn them!

This was the show that centered around Tru Davies (Dushku) as a girl that could connect with recently deceased people. Once summoned, she could go back in time and attempt to correct the past, which in return prevented the person's death. Sometimes it took multiple attempts to help, sometimes it took multiple different people's deaths to find the perfect solution. Her normal life always became an issue with the time traveling also, so multiple time splitting story-lines were common. Somehow this show always found a way to throw a curve ball, bending the rules of Tru's abilities. And not to mention, there are others out there that could possibly do the same thing... but for less heroic purposes.

I often feel like this was Eliza's red-headed-step-child show. Even though people liked her and people liked the show, no one really ever cared about it until after it was gone. The show was cancelled after season 1, but then (way too late) the fans stepped in to help - mostly by buying lots of DVDs from online merchants like Amazon. This encouraged Fox to bring back the show as a midseason replacement - ELEVEN months later! It was like a miracle. Everyone had forgotten about it and "poof" it reappeared out of thin air. We were all so amazed... so amazed in fact that we forgot to watch it... again. The show ran six more episodes then it was decimated. Not only was it definitely not coming back, the network executives bumped the finale several times, then released the last six episodes on DVD as the "Final Season" which oddly enough ends with a huge cliff hanger. Whomp, whomp. If that show doesn't remind you of a neglected little orphan then you've never seen Oliver Twist.

3. Veronica Mars - Premiered in 2004. Length - 3 seasons / 64 episodes

Kristen Bell played the young high school student Veronica Mars... even though she was like 25 at the time. But once I suspended my disbelief long enough to enjoy the show, it delivered a whopping three seasons of intelligently designed twisting plots and sarcastically witty one-liners.

Dubbed a teen noir series by the marketing strategists, Veronica Mars aimed oddly way above the teen demographic. I kept saying to myself, "why is Veronica Mars making cultural references to _______? No one under the age of thirty has any idea what that is." But maybe that was the show's charm, the characters all knew exactly what to say and when. The show made their teens intellectual and suave, unlike the perception usually bestowed upon young txt-savy slackers.

But back to the premise, what is a "teen noir" anyway. Well the simple of it is, think Buffy meets Murder She Wrote... uhhh, okay. If that splice cooks your noodle then maybe this will help. Think detective genre meets cynical teen dramady. Each week a mystery would present itself and Veronica (well-schooled in detective work from years of living with her private eye dad) would deductively reason-out the culprit or find the lost whatever - all while sarcastically punning the mere idea of it all. Along with this episode by episode formula, there is an underlying season-long mystery unravelling as well.

In my opinion, the first season played out sort of like the first season of Twin Peaks... minus the David Lynch trippiness. There is a young girl that is murdered before the show even takes off, but the flashbacks continue throughout the season giving more and more back story. You continually feel as though you are going two directions in time simultaneously. The complexity the stories, but the simplicity of the characters' like-ability gave the show a nice balance. The only problem was that the scenery and setup felt too young for adults. In stark contrast, the show's long-running highbrow humor and sophisticated plots felt too old for some of the young viewers. It was a perfect show with an imperfect target audience. The result was... early cancellation.

2. Roswell - Premiered in 1999. Length - 3 seasons / 61 episodes

Not that show... the oh so very dialog-heavy drama with the Dido song and that famous star from Grey's Anatomy plays his sister. Yes, guilty. Many people began to think this was Dawson's Creek moved from New England into the deserts of New Mexico... and in some ways, rightly so. You can dub this the least Sci-Fi related show about aliens ever. With an Executive Producer / Director like Jonathan Frakes (AKA William T. Riker from Star Trek: TNG), you would expect a show about aliens to be overwhelmingly laced with lasers, space ships, and strange creatures... but you'd be wrong. This show only gave you glimpses of the alien side of the show, which further frustrated the viewers when the those glimpses were quickly pulled away and teased about in the dialog. I kept holding out to see more and more, then I eventually finished the three seasons. Along the way I indirectly fell in love with the cast and plot. Upon a second viewing, I realized the actual genius of the show - the story, the characters, and the human (or alien I guess) interactions that were the driving force behind Roswell.

The show is like Smallville in many ways, you forget that the main character(s) is from another planet - completely alien and NOT human. Why? Because he doesn't look alien and his actions and emotions are very human in appearance. In this show, the human characters were surprisingly just as interesting as their alien counterparts. Not because they were all the same, but because they saw the same problems from a different perspectives.

Actors such as Jason Behr (The Grudge), Katherine Heigl (Knocked Up, Grey's Anatomy), and Colin Hanks (Orange County) were among the now-famous people who were on the show. The main character Liz, played by Shiri Appleby, seemed to be going in and out of focus throughout the series until it seemed they had changed their minds about her being the main actress of the show. Emilie de Ravin (from the show Lost), as the character Tess, took over more and more of the spotlight until poor Liz (Appleby) had become an emotional whipping-boy for many depressing episodes.

I hate to think about it but this show actually was better at two seasons instead of three. The WB cancelled Roswell (along with Buffy the Vampire Slayer) as part of their budget cutting for fall 2001. Even though the show was successful, The WB was stacked with many popular shows that had escalating contract price-tags attached. Luckily for fans of the show, UPN picked up the dead series and revived it with a one year - "make or break" opportunity. The show broke.

The third season seems a little last minute in design. I don't want to bash the show, so I'll just say it was The WB's fault in my eyes. By their canceling, the show was left too up in the air for the continued chemistry from the previous seasons. Maybe a fourth or fifth season was needed to really hone that original feel of the show, who knows. We take what we can get and a third season is better than no season.

1. Firefly - Premiered in 2002. Length - less than 1 season / 15 episodes and 1 follow-up movie.

If you are unfamiliar with this show, then quit reading. Go to your local superstore buy Firefly on DVD, a hammer, and a bag of ice. Grab the hammer and repeatedly hit yourself in the head*, then apply ice after regaining consciousness, then watch Firefly beginning to end. If need be, repeat as often as possible... minus the hammer of course.

* comment made in jest, don't actually hit yourself... or even buy a hammer for that matter... same goes for the ice as well, I guess. On second thought, just buy Firefly and use the leftover "hammer and ice money" to buy Serenity also.

This show is so good that it defies the laws of nature. Why was it cancelled? FOX did everything in it's power to make this show struggle (intentionally or unintentionally). Did they begin the show with the first episode so that the audience would understand the back story? No. Did they give it a good time slot? No and they changed time slots only a few weeks later. Did they even show all of the fifteen episodes. No, they cancelled the show after only three months and pushed the unaired episodes off to never-never land for most of us to see only on DVD way later.

Is this Joss Whedon's best show? Maybe. It's a space western, and as bad as that sounds - it works perfectly. No, it's not Buffy or Angel - but, it does have that trademark Whedon touch that only he can provide. I personally love the show, but I do not place it above his other work. Saying that outloud, it's hard to believe, but I would have to strongly defend that position in most genre loving crowds. This show is so loved that it spawned a movie - Serenity. Serenity was equally loved by the fans, which might have even prevented social upheaval. The diehard fans of Firefly (Brown Coats we're called) were so upset by FOX's treatment of Firefly that they organized and advertised and demonstrated and whatevered to the point that this show has historic status in modern pop culture.

No show was ever so loved by it's viewers, yet so blatantly neglected by it's network. I don't hate FOX, but I bet someone inside FOX sure hated themselves for not being able to sustain this cash cow. We could be in the seventh season of that show right now and that would seem more reasonable than the reality we have right now. This show cancelled only after three months? Seems like we had entered an alternate dimension. Our reality had spun out of control, the equal of visiting Bizarro world and not being able to shake off what you know to be right.

Right now, this show lives on like Whedon's other shows in comic book form. Currently there have been two mini series comics and probably more on the way. I imagine that there will be Firefly fans attending and organizing conventions even twenty years from now and probably many years after that. If there was ever a testament to devotion in viewers, Firefly would be the hands down most-favored to deserve an award. To sum up this entire discussion about the show, it's history and it's wonderful fans and it's tragic struggle to live on in the hearts of it's viewers... There's no better way to explain than to quote the song lyrics from the opening sequence:

"Take my love, take my land

Take me where I cannot stand

I don't care, I'm still free

You can't take the sky from me

Take me out to the black

Tell 'em I ain't comin' back

Burn the land and boil the sea

You can't take the sky from me

There's no place I can be

Since I found serenity

But you can't take the sky from me"

How do you know if an orange has gone bad?

I find myself pondering this very question while attempting to eat three small oranges that are probably about two months old.

So, Question: how do you know if an orange has gone bad?

Answer 1: If the color of the orange is anything but orange. There's a reason these fruits are not called "browns" or "slightly burnt yellowishes"

Answer 2: If your dog loves oranges and then when presented with said fruit is then profoundly perplexed. My dog loves oranges, but he sure wasn't going for this one. I let him sniff it and he sneezed three times in a row, looked at me with a "what the hell is that" expression, then went to his bed. Trust the instincts of wildlife, if they're not eating - then maybe you shouldn't either.

Answer 3: If peeling the orange burns your fingers, this could be a sign. Ever stuck your finger in a pencil sharpner? No? Well either way, you get the mental picture.

Answer 4: If the orange tastes like a screwdriver. I always wondered why screwdrivers were such easy drinks to make. Well now you can make one without even visiting the liquor store. Bon appetite. Also kills germs that cause bad breath... think of it as a self contained 90 proof fun ball that has all the fighting power of Listerine in every bite.

Answer 5: If after consuming the said "fruit", you are then overpowered by a strong sensation of non-reality. I'm not sure if I was a famous person in a previous life, but now I am pondering this very question. Imagine Alice in Wonderland or Neo in The Matrix, this is the same small little pill that can alter reality. If Disney "Fantasia-esque" weirdness occurs, then count your fruit as one of the possible rotten ones.

Top TV Shows: Cancelled Too Soon Pt 1

I've had a few people say that they liked the Top 10 movie lists I did last year (Stephen King movies & Vampire movies). So, I thought I'd do another one for TV shows. This time though, I will be doing my top 10 list of shows that were cancelled way too early (from the 2000's decade) - or shows that peaked in interested after cancellation. My rule though is that the shows were aired partially or fully during the early 2000's decade and are not longer than three seasons. Shows airing longer than three seasons had a fairly long stretch and are not applicable here. Why the early 2000's? Mostly because this patch of television viewing has become such a fertile ground for great shows with tragic results. The advent of reality TV hit it's stride during this period and the results were not pretty for many traditional shows, namely any genre related series that didn't have a CSI or Law & Order in its title.

10. The Lone Gunmen - Premiered in 2001. Length - 1 season / 13 episodes.

This is the only direct spinoff of the The X-Files. Coming off the cancellation of Chris Carter's other two creations (Millennium in 1999 & Harsh Realm in 2000) this series had the most promise for becoming a hit. This was a late mid-season replacement that appeared in March 2001. The show starred three quirky characters - Byers, Frohike, and Langly - who were the most unlikely of friends. The show focused on their common paranoia, but bickering personalities.

The show had dismal ratings and tried to spring back with a season cliffhanger featuring David Duchovny, making a guest appearance as the character Fox Mulder. Unfortunately this was not enough to offset the show's problems. The show's 2nd season would've kicked off Fall 2001, but networks were rethinking television from the bottom up that season, this show was doomed no matter the ratings. In hindsight, this show is sorely missed. With the last two seasons of The X-Files practically adbsent of Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny - hardcore fans realized the mistake of letting this little gem fade away. The Lone Gunmen 2001 to 2001 RIP.


9. Wonderfalls - Premiered in 2004. Length - 1 season / 13 episodes.


This is the odd show that I could never catch on television. I heard about how good it was, even though no one could quite explain what it was about.

"This girl Jane works a gift shop at Niagara Falls where she begins hearing voices and seeing inanimate objects speak to her. They tell her to do things in cryptic ways that lead to miraculous resolutions. She thinks she's crazy and everyone else thinks she is too... with comic results."

I told you it's hard to explain. But, it's truly awesome as noted by the critical fame and awards it received after such a short run. Too bad most people only watched the DVDs way after the cancellation, these are the same people (like me) who would've liked to see more seasons on air.


8. Birds of Prey - Premiered in 2002. Length - 1 season / 14 episodes


After the success of Smallville from the previous season, The WB decided to branch out in its DC Comics related interests. If they could show the world of Superman in the past, why not just show the world of Batman in the future? So they did. This show had a perfect formula set up in the pilot. Super small cameos by Batman, Batgirl, and Joker were enough to hook me in. But then the story just felt less and less like Gotham City as the episodes dragged on. The stories focus on the three main characters, which were all straight from the BOP comic - Oracle (ex-Batgirl Barbara Gordon), Huntress (metahuman offspring of Catwoman & Batman), and Dinah (young superhero-to-be with telekinetic & telepathic abilities).


Sure, there was a Clayface moment and there were plenty of Dark Knight references. But in the end, they weren't enough. I lapsed in my viewings and didn't get to see the finale... which I realized way too late as being awesome. Not only was there a hidden story building up inside this quiet little series, it was a fanboy's dream come true. I won't spoil it for you... even though most of you will never see it.


Lesson learned? Well first off DC Comic inspired shows are not all instant gold. Smallville is now headed to it's 9th season, which makes you wonder why this show is not just renamed "Metropolis" or "Superman" by now. This was supposedly a story about Clark Kent when he was a young boy - but that was eight years ago. Haven't we reached the present day of that universe yet? Apparently not. So the lesson is - Superman's past equals 9+ years... or possibly an eternity. Batman's future equals about five months that no one remembers. Poor little Batman.


7. Dead Like Me - Premiered in 2003. Length - 2 seasons / 29 episodes (1 followup movie)

What happens after you die? Well this series shows you, but not completely. Certain people are chosen to be grim reapers of sorts after they die. The reapers are suppose to help all the others after they die. But for all the ones being helped to the thereafter? We only see bits and pieces of what happens to them after they go into the white light. The main character, Georgia (George), has to live a regular life of work, responsibilities, boredom, family problems, and much more - and that's after she's dead. Being a grim reaper is a tough job and George is the kind of slacker that's never been able to keep a job. Now she has to buck-up and take on being a reaper, but also hold down a temp job at a company she hates too. She has two bosses, which leads to a ridiculously long day of meetings, sticky notes, and dead people. Life sucks... but death is even worse.


This show was only on for two seasons, but it had a strong following. Due to demand, this show has launched a direct-to-DVD movie that follows up after the second season. There's about four years in between these, so not sure if there will be an explanation or not written into the story. I personally haven't seen it yet, but I'm stoked. This dark comedy series sticks in my mind for some reason. I'm glad that there's enough of us out there to push this series back into some kind of production.


6. Greg The Bunny - Premiered in 2002. Length - 1 season / 13 episodes (followup spinoff series in 2005)



This show is best known as the original Fox series which paired all kinds of crazy puppets with equally hilarious actors, such as Seth Green and Sarah Silverman. The adult situations may sour the taste-buds of some hardcore Muppet/Fraggle fans, but this is not your father's Jim Henson approved show. This series still makes me laugh even after seeing several of the episodes multiple times. As for the second incarnation of the show, I wasn't quite as pleased with it. It's good, but the absence of all the famous actors ruined the interaction recipe that made this show so special. The second show focused on film parodies for IFC, which are funny but not as funny as the original series. I'm glad that the fans helped to resurrect this show, but what we got wasn't the living, breathing original show. It was more like getting a zombie version instead, which will always end badly. Did I take that resurrection / undead analogy a little too far? Maybe.




Stayed Tuned for Part 2 containing My Top 5

Clyde is on Lock-Down from Hayden The Warden

This is the pic of Hayden and Clyde that I refer to as "Grrrrounded"

My cat, Clyde, knows quite a few words including a few commands... he just chooses when to listen.  We have certain areas of the house that are off limits for the cat and dog, which they clearly know... though bravely sneak into from time to time.  When the cat is missing for too long, we ask Hayden, "Where's the cat, where's Clyde?"  Inspector Hayden starts sniffing out the cat and eventually solves the case... just like Scooby.

Recently Clyde has been getting braver and trying to rule the house.  He's been getting into all kinds of dangerous stuff, so to counter this aggressive power-shift... I gave our dog, Hayden, some more authority.  Now if I tell the cat to do something (or more likely to quit doing something) and he hisses back, then Hayden is allowed to go over and growl and/or bark if necessary (kind of like a warning shot) to let the cat knows he's outnumbered.  So far it's working.  

The punishment... Clyde has to spend some quality time laying next to the dog.  Hayden especially likes it when the cat gets in trouble and has to lay next to him.  Hayden's dog bed becomes the "time out" pad (or what I like to call pet prison).  Then, Hayden goes into full enforcer mode - this is when I start calling Hayden by his new name... The Warden.  Clyde has to stay on the bed next to Hayden until he can be good without talking back or hissing.  If he tries to escape, Hayden comes to me and tattles on Clyde.  Hayden loves it... the cat, not so much.

So far the cat is getting to the point where he can be trusted to not get into stuff even if the opportunity is placed before him (food in open site, closet doors left wide open).  On a side note, the only negative outcome I foresee so far is that Hayden is enjoying this way too much.  Hayden's abuse of power could be on the horizon, but for now this system works well.

Camille Harp On Rise & Shine Oklahoma

Camille Harp is a talented musician, singer, and songwriter that I'm proud to call a good friend. Camille and I have been friends since high school and I always enjoy going to see her perform. This morning she performed with Ryan Engleman on local OKC KAUT Channel 43. It was funny to hear her mention being friends with Bobbie Miller (local news reporter for KFOR Channel 4).  We all used to hang out together and get into mischief.  Oh the stories I could tell on those two... but being the good friend I am, I won't mention them here. I always try to help support Camille when and where I can, so here's a modest attempt. The video below is her most recent performance from this morning for those of you who missed it (or outside of the OKC area).



Please visit CamilleHarp.com to preview and purchase her CDs

Boba Fett "Overoos" Hoodie - Totally Got It!

I had forgotten until yesterday that I was going to post this blog. Thanks for reminding me. Lindy mentioned that she heard I got my Boba Fett hoodie... and yes I did. It's awesome. All I need now is a grappling hook, flame thrower, and a jetpack...


I have the best girlfriend in the world. This is a follow up to her saying she liked the gifts she got from me this week. I didn't forget her or the cool gift she got me. For my birthday I had begged and wined about how I never got Boba Fett Underoos as a kid - so I got the next best thing, an adult-sized Boba Fett "Overoos" hoodie. In honor of this moment, I want to post a video that has been stuck in my head for the last couple of weeks. I watched Zack and Miri recently and got a total flashback when I heard the MC Chris song Fett's Vette on there. I had totally forgotten about it and thought it was never going to be released on a CD, not to mention a movie. I really thought Lucas Film would've probably sued him if it ever saw mass distribution. Originally I heard this song about 2004 or 05 and thought it was pretty good. The video here is a fanmade video to go with the lyrics (I know some scenes are with Jango instead of Boba, but let's not nitpick too much, shall we?). The video has some of those "naughty" words, so remember your volume level and audience - NSFW (Not Safe For Work) - or if you're a stay at home mom with little kiddies who have sponge-like brains that absorb these words - then just beware. Enjoy.

Wagging Tales: Hayden Hearts The Big Apple

This blog is like the lost episode of I Love Lucy that was found years later... except in this case it's months later and not worth the wait.  I had this as a draft and the video didn't load right, etc  - next thing you know I forgot about it.  For those of you who have asked about this - here it is... in all of it's mediocre glory.  (from 12/18/2008)

THE ORIGINAL BLOG BELOW

Wagging Tales: Hayden Hearts The Big Apple

Well, maybe Big Apple is a little much... how about two very small apples that approximate the size of one big apple?  This is the previously mentioned follow-up to "Orange Ball" uploaded earlier.  Today's weather wasn't great, but after the last few days... I'll take what I can get.  At a chipper 46 degrees, I decided to give Hayden a chance to stretch his legs and play with his other favorite fruit...

Joaquin Phoenix Train-Wreck

No one steers a train-wreck quite like David Letterman. And by steer, I mean into a dramatic head-on collision. To say that Letterman succeeds at these ghastly interviews is an understatement. Sometimes Dave uses his wit to make quick comebacks or other times he may just goad the guest with his repetitiveness - but never underestimate his ability to wield the power of uncomfortable silence.

Well last night was another one of those nights. This time Joaquin Phoenix is in the crosshairs for what must have seemed like an eternity to him. If you've seen the Paris Hilton-not-wanting-to-speak-about-jail interview, then this is at least up to par. Personally I think it's better. For its sheer awkwardness, this should even compare to such classics as the infamous Crispin Glover interview of the late 1980's.

There is usually a reoccurring theme in most of these types of interviews... anger to an embarrassing topic or a loaded question... or the perceived notion of being impaired by a "substance" of some sorts. My favorite anger interview(s) came during the Pekar stint in the 80's, in which the two of them became practically combative over Harvey's mutliple appearances. Although my favorite "substance theory" interview is probably a tie between Glover and the notoriously bizarre Farrah Fawcett appereance. All of these can be found searching various video websites through the keywords of the guests' last names and Letterman. Good stuff.

The Joaquin Phoenix interview from last night will stand up to the test of time as well. Whereas a normally bad interview on some other late night talk show could get slashed back to a smaller segment, here Letterman rolls out the welcome mat and stretches this thing on for as long as he can - over 10 minutes. It's worth every minute too. Letterman knows controlled chaos like no other.

It should be noted though, that much of this could be for publicity.  It has been stated by some that Casey Affleck & Joaquin are supposedly working a movie about manipulating the media.  Let us not forget one of the greatest Letterman moments that occurred between Jerry Lawler and Andy Kaufman, which amazingly enough is considered the most bizarre... and totally staged (unbeknownst to Letterman), moments on the show.  Either way, fraud or odd, Joaquin will be placed high among the list of weird Letterman moments. 

Letterman: "Joaquin, I'm Sorry You Couldn't Be Here Tonight"

Due to removal, the previous video has been replaced by this 

shorter one. The original is about twice this long. Sorry.

Modern... whatever... Pt. 2: Adding Insult to Injury

Last week I ranted on old age sneaking up on me in my 30's. I think of old age during this part of my life as the following analogy. Imagine you're young, say sixteen. You see someone else that's sixteen trying to sneak into a movie theater... you do not point it out to authorities when you oversee it. Plus you actually may help them even though you don't know them. The whole time you're saying in the back of your head, "come on, do it... cheat the system!"

Now when you see stuff like this, it sorta pisses you off. You want to say, "hey there hooligan... I just waited in line for twenty minutes and paid $15 for a movie that probably sucks... you can wait with everybody else, then pay, then you'll earn a right to complain - that's the system, this isn't a soup kitchen! And by the way, quit texting your friends during the movie - they're only three seats over and can read your lips... you emoticon-typin' tool."

See you thought the analogy of old age sneaking in to your 30's would be like the kid sneaking into the movie theater, but you were wrong. It's really the analogy of me becoming a grumpy old man to the back drop of annoying teenagers plaguing the great American cinema experience. Sort of like how this analogy could be carried forward to people in their 60's and 70's chasing young whipper-snappers off their lawn with brooms. And after today, I was so pissed that I finally had to say bring it on. I say bring on the black socks with sandals... prune juice while watching Matlock... Tuesday blue plate specials... and witty bumper stickers which parallel life with fishing.

Here's the latest news. So I've been sick... what of it? I've been exhausted with a week of almost sick, then really sick, then almost better, then near death, then... kinda need a nap, then just plain old sick. Well today I had finally had enough. I went to the doctor.

I hadn't been to the doctor in a long while, since my 20's which I thought was good. Apparently that's not good and more importantly it's bad. I've been reclassified as the doctor's equivalent of "buyer beware" - my warranty presumably expired sometime over the last three to four years.

I had to fill out a medical history questionnaire that asked me about all kinds of weird stuff, including my advance directive... i.e. - the "Do Not Resuscitate" statement.... whoa, pilgrim! I just have a cough sorta, I plan on leaving here with a heartbeat. Then the form asked me about whether or not I had a prostate exam lately.... whoa again, hold up! I came here for a prescription, maybe to go as far as having a wooden tong pressed against my tongue or have one of those little cone shaped lights stuck in my ear... that's the most evasive procedure I will tolerate for the flu. I'm not here to be violated, like some after school special teaching stranger danger. Now this has gone too far.

And here's where the day goes completely awry. The nurse has me stand against the wall to measure my height. Then she says, "and with your shoes deducted... about six foot." Oh okay, I accept that. Seems fair.

Next she has me step on the scale. FYI - Honestly I haven't been able to workout much and I've been completely out of it - being sick or injured or something since before Christmas. So... she has me step on the scale. I say, "I've got my phone, ipod, keys, and wallet on me - do you want me to...?" She immediately says, "no, just step on up." Then I look over and it says 210.4 on the digital scale... and she writes down 211! 211? She rounded up, without even considering all of my unnecessary non-bodily gear I was carrying. Why did she estimate my height so closely then just fudge up the numbers for my weight? 211. Yes, I said it. 211. Damn her.

Then she said, "You're heavier than you look."

Well... shit. Thanks, I guess. That's not a compliment no matter how you take it. I really wanted to answer back with, "Well thanks, you're not as dumb as you look either."

Then I walked into the actual doctor's examining room. He went through a bunch of minor tests, all the stuff I expected with my ears and throat. But that's not the part that got me. This is. The doctor was younger than me. I've never been to a doctor younger than me, ever. And, it just made me feel that much older when he called me sir as I left. Shit.

Oh and by the way, he also mentioned that I have high blood pressure. Wonder what could cause that... could it be... oh, I don't know... maybe this circus you call a medical facility? Thanks for your help... Doogie.

I then went to the pharmacy and got my antibiotics (which apparently were enough when I was younger, but not anymore), so the doctor started me on a cycle of steroids too. Not kidding. I then spent the next three hours trying to find something to eat at work so I could take my pills... just like a crabby, impatient senior citizen. Well, shitballs.

I leave you with a quote from the movie Christmas Vacation by Art played by the late, great E.G. Marshall.

"I have to eat, so I can take my back pill!"

Modern... whatever that word is for things that you remember?

So I'm going to be Thirty-thrrrruuun... something this year. It's not like I feel old... oh wait I did have some joint and back issues this past year. Scratch that last part. It's not like my mind feels old... wait I forgot what this blog was about. Where was I going with this? Blah.

Here I'd like to add a quote by Jasper from my favorite episode of The Simpsons titled Duffless - Ep. 16, Season 4.

(Jasper enters Community Center.  Rev. Lovejoy sits at the welcome table)

Lovejoy: Coping with senility? [wondering why Jasper had arrived]

Jasper: [gruff] No. I'm here for Microwave Cookery!  No, wait.  Coping with senility.

Oh yeah, so I'm one of those people who has really good memory. I have fairly vivid memories of my very early childhood, from before I could really even talk much. But up until my mid-twenties, I thought everyone had those memories. Evidently not. So it's no surprise that as my short-term memory starts to fog up a little, I'm starting to fear forgetting normal stuff I take for granted everyday.

Normally if I forget something, I then remember it when I'm reminded of something similar. Not anymore though, I've started forgetting stuff that honestly I'm not for sure if I ever had known it or done it. It's very scary for me too. I have a semi-recollective photographic memory. In other words, weird things like a song will come on the radio and I have a flash memory of exactly where I was driving maybe week or even five years ago the last time I heard that song. I see the front windshield of my car the surrounding environment, etc - all from that day in the past. It's a little unnerving, especially since I have no control over how to productively use this skill. The closest I ever got was in college. I would read a book for a class, then when I needed to sight a specific section of the book, then usually I could remember what part of the page (left or right - bottom paragraph, third sentence, etc.) and where in the book to find that section, even if the book was 500 pages or more. It's weird.

So, here's where we are today. I leave a string of evidence all over the house telling where I've been throughout the day, which helps me find my glasses... which I lose about every 30 minutes. I feel like frick'n Velma from Scooby-Doo. And don't even ask about my eyesight as I get older. And if it's not my glasses or billfold or keys, then it's my damn shoes or jacket. The remote control to the TV has become my arch-nemesis. My short term memory isn't worth crap anymore.
And if that wasn't bad enough, then this is the nail in the coffin. I hate when I watch a trailer for a movie that looks interesting or hear a song I like. Then I spend the next eternity trying to remember the name of it. I can't imagine how many hours I've wasted digging around on yahoo or amazon with vague descriptions of items, just hoping I'll stumble across it. Well... BINGO! Today Netflix helped me find a movie I forgot the name of in 2005... which is how long I've been trying to find it. In 2007 I went as far as asking a guy at Blockbuster to load the Ellen Page movie Hard Candy on all of their 12 TV screens, just because I thought I saw the trailer there. Well after spending 10 minutes getting it all set up (with other customers looking on)... the previews section did NOT have the trailer I was looking for... it was a different movie... shit.

After that tool-riffic idea, I decided to scale back my searches to the internet. Well that didn't pan out, many different times. And after all that searching I almost feel embarrassed to know what the real movie is. I'm sure that this movie looked interesting in 2005, but I'm even MORE sure that it won't be interesting enough to justify my stupid-angry-mega-quest.

Well just to keep everybody from asking, here is the trailer for the movie... Mean Creek.

And yes, now it's in my Netflix queue... so I won't forget. And this movie better be good, it owes me hours upon hours of my life back.

Boba Fett Underoos Flashback

I can picture it now. It was 1982. I was a kid and I was consumed by one pursuit in life... Underoos. I couldn't be cool unless I had them.  If you went to a sleepover with some lame button-down pajamas with trains or dogs or something on them, then you might as well save everyone the trouble, go ahead and give yourself a wedgie. Underoos were the coolest pj's known to men... er, boys.  But why? You get to be a superhero or movie character or robot or whatever, that's why. Sure my Spider-Man Underoos were awesome, but let's be serious... I didn't really look like Spider-man. I mean, he doesn't just wear a t-shirt and underwear when he's fighting crime.  You had to use imagination for the real effect.

But first I have to backtrack a bit.  I started off with Superman Underoos.  But, why did my Superman Underoos set come with a picture of Superman on the shirt instead of a giant "S" logo.   That's just stupid.  I wanted to safety pin a bath towel around my neck and pretend to be Superman, instead I just got a lame t-shirt that made me look like a sad six year-old groupie.  What's even more sad is that it took me like two months of over-stressed childhood anticipation to get the real damned things.  

The obsession all started after I went to a friend's house for a sleep over.  He had an Incredible Hulk set... it wasn't that cool, but that spun my mind.  It was a Halloween costume you wore to bed... everynight!  You can act out cool stuff with your costume... that you wear every frick'n night of the week!  It was the coolest thing my six year old mind could wrap around.  I asked for a Star Wars Underoos set for Christmas that year.  When do kids ever ask for clothes for Christmas?!?  That's right, never.  So I was guaranteed to get them.

So that year I asked for and received Underoos, but not exactly.  I got Superman... and when I opened the package the underoos were a faded blue color... and it had E.T. on them.  WTF?  That's right, I didn't get Star Wars... then I didn't get Superman either... I got E-f'ng-T.  Lame.  Someone had pilfered the package and stuffed the wrong item back in.  So my grandmother returned the set and brought back Superman, which was the before mentioned set that didn't have the "S" suit but just a picture of Superman flying on it.  To add insult to injury, when my grandmother went back to the store the regular Superman was sold out, so I got some kind of dumb "Thermal Underwear" Underoos set that came with long warm style pants and long sleeves - it was itchy and stupid.  Uncomfortable and didn't look like Superman, that's was me that year for Christmas.  Double lame.

Luckily I was growing fast and asked to get a Star Wars set for my birthday.   This time my grandmother took me to TG&Y (wow just typing that makes me feel old) and I got to pick my own pair of Underoos.  This time I wasn't going to be duped, I had it all worked out in my mind.  I'd seen the commercials - "you transform into your favorite heroes" - it literally said that right in the commercial.  I was going to get the Boba Fett pair, then I would be Boba Fett... in my 6 year-old mind it was that simple.  And just in case, my fall back would either be Darth Vader or possibly Luke in X-Wing Pilot outfit or maybe if I get desperate - Han Solo, if and only if, Boba Fett was not available.  I wasn't even entertaining the possibility of going beyond those choices.

Better prepare my six year-old memories for a tragic flashback.  I got there and the only Star Wars Underoos they had were C-3PO and they were all girls' sets.  What?  Only C-3PO... and only for girls!?!?  He's a droid, not a girl... is he?  I was dumbfounded and my view of an emasculated C-3PO has haunted me ever since.  But all the same, I still had to get new Underoos.  And that's the story of how I got my Spider-Man Underoos.  This story was very misleading, wasn't it?

And now that I think about it, who really wants to pretend to be Spider-man without the mask?  I guess we had to use our imagination a lot in the 70's and 80's.  I still feel a little ripped-off by this whole thing.  I really wanted to dress up as Boba Fett every night.

Well here's my chance.  My birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I would like this -

This is the Ecko Limited Edition Boba Fett sweatshirt zip hoodie - found here

This is a birthday 27 years in the making (I'll be thirty'ish) , like the "make a wish foundation"... don't let me down.  I'd prefer an XL to keep it comfortably loose... unlike "Thermal Underwear" Superman.  Sure this Fett hoodie doesn't come with underwear or even pants for that matter, but I'll use my circa 1970's imagination to fill in the gaps.

Moonwalker WTF? Review, Part 1

Recently I was feeling nostalgic, so I was watching youtube videos of old video games. Some were obscure and others were timeless... then there was the video game Michael Jackson's Moonwalker for Sega Genesis. I fondly remembered that a friend of mine had this game in 9th grade and I played it quite often. It was weird, but shit... it was Michael Jackson, what do you expect? So after hearing this youtube gamer go on and on about how the game doesn't make sense, I thought to myself, "has he ever seen the movie?" The movie itself probably has had less viewers than the video game, so does this random gaming critic not know there was a movie or what? This lead me to where I am now.

I am sitting here (right this very minute as I type) watching Moonwalker on laserdisc... (reader asks self, "what's a laserdisc?" - hey you, never mind, that's for a different blog). So, here I am watching this movie. I remember my cousin trying to get me to watch it like 17 years ago. I passed and rented Time Bandits instead... which is also weird, but Terry Gilliam movies kick ass. Sorry, I digress.

So somehow after all these years I was no better than this youtube guy that had pissed me off. I still had never watched this movie until today. You know why? Because it's ri-f'ng-diculous to find. Out of production on VHS, never released on DVD, don't even ask about Blu-ray - this movie is like trying to find Jimmy Hoffa. I actually almost bought it on VHS, but it was $20... and that's shite (this is not a typo, remember I sometimes curse in the vernacular of other regions - in this case the UK). Anywho... I passed on the VHS because honestly that sucks. I found an unsuspecting seller that was selling a like new US version of the laserdisc for $20 - now that's not a practical way to spend twenty bucks during a recession, but at this point I was becoming determined and frankly this particular version is worth about $50 to $75 - making this purchase a good deal.

What do I expect from this movie? Honestly... not sure. Here is the trailer I watched before buying it.

Now you tell me, what would you expect? Well no matter what you said, you were wrong. First of all I thought this was going to be a cheesy special effects crapfest. And truly these kinds of crapfests are usually pretty entertaining. I like watching these pre-CGI movies... they really put the "special" in special effects. So I fire up the ol' Pioneer LD player. This thing has been with me through thick and thin - I have had since 11th grade. And yes, it's about as high tech as my electric toothbrush, but shit... I can't let go. It sounds like a weedeater when it starts up... and it's pure trainwreck afterwards. Personally I just turn the volume up on the tv and keep my fingers crossed hoping it doesn't burn my house down.

Now that the movie is going... wtf? This movie starts with a Michael Jackson Pepsi commercial... and no I'm not kidding. I have never, in my 20 years of laserdisc-watching, seen a commercial on a disc. Lame. Now the movie itself starts right? No, not really.

Next the title screens appears with Michael singing the opening to "Man in the Mirror" with just a bunch of live footage of him in some ginormous stadium. Which would be kind of normal, but the entire time there are cut away shots of young girls crying and then passing out or falling over (presumably they're trampled afterwards) and being passed over the crowd to medics... wtf? One girl is screaming like she's gone bananas and some security guy just drags her off... with the back of her heels scraping the ground. No really, this is actually happening - not once, not twice, it's the entire introduction to the movie. Next are a bunch of archival shots of famous political figures... Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr, John F Kennedy, John Lennon, Mother Theresa - then there are cut aways to starving African children - but then they go back to the concert where crying girls are passing out and being carried away... double wtf? This movie is a great mix of cringes, laughs, and then guilty inappropriate giggles.

Next is just a bunch of footage which starts off making fun of Michael Jackson... wtf? Yes, I said it. They mention that he built a shrine to Elizabeth Tayler in his bedroom, then it says he was admitted for burns to his scalp. You remember the old playground rhyme about Michael and "Pepsi burned him up" - well this movie, which he made himself, is making sure we'll never forget all that stuff. Then there's tons of footage from the Jackson Five which is pretty cool, but this plays into the creepy song "Ben" from the movie of the same name... wtf? Ben is the movie that was remade into Willard starring Crispin Glover... and yeah if you know these movies then you know that this song just seems way too weird... even for Michael Jackson. And yes as this song plays, during Moonwalker mind you - not Ben, there are rats crawling around looking at a stage performance of Michael singing "Ben" on a newspaper... wtf? What does any of this have to do with the movie Moonwalker? And when in the hell is the movie from the trailer going to begin?

A space car... of somekind flies across the screen. Shizer! (shizer is German for shit). Finally! I'm on chapter five of this disc and finally the movie starts, right? No now there's a video to "Bad" completely reenacted by children - with facial hair. Yes, that's right a bunch of little 8 years with five o'clock shadows and mustaches... seen here.

Right afterwards the song ends with the main kid - still in Michael Jackson persona - walking off the studio set with his assistant and asking, "is Bubbles in my trailer?" (FYI - Bubbles is Michael's pet chimpanzee in real life.) The assistant guy answers yes. Then the young Michael asks what Bubbles is wearing. The guy answers - verbatim - "he's wearing a Prince t-shirt and red sneakers." ... triple wtf? Seriously this is all really happening. I can't make this shit up.

Okay, I give up. I'm going to watch the rest (or lack there of). This may require a wtf follow-up.