We Exist! (No Longer a Figment of Your Imagination)

Today I was trying to find out why our address was wrong on a billing statement. One of the problems was that the company couldn't find our address at all. We've had trouble finding our street on things like Google Maps or Yahoo Maps. Apparently our neighborhood is still new enough that the maps were incomplete or out of date. Today I found our street address for the first time. About time, I say. Only one problem, the map is still a little out dated.

Ever heard of the phrase my "name is mud" before? Well apparently our house is mud. This satellite imaging shows that we live in this field... supposedly scouring the terrain for wild game and picking berries for sustenance. Swiss Family Roberts.

New and Improved Monkey Proof Bananas - Mini Sized

Recently I watched a internet posted video in which a man explained the best way to peel a banana. And lo and behold, it was true and his method was better. What was the trick? See the video below for the explanation.

How I see it, the monkey had a few million years to perfect the art of banana peeling - we as humans only had possibly thousands. And being humans, we were not going to admit that we were doing it wrong. So... we just kept doing the same old way. Sort of like the guy who won't stop to get directions, even though he knows he's lost. "Damn it woman, I know where I'm going, now quit nagging me so much." Or the guy that won't dare use the instruction manual that comes with a piece of office furniture or electronics equipment.

Monkeys be damned, I just don't want to admit that the easiest way to peel a banana... is well... that easy. Now apes be warned! Humans have concocted a banana that is resistant to your foolish endeavors... mu hahaha! I give you... the mini banana.

I attempted my new monkey technique on these little suckers... it's a no go. The technique of squeezing the end and peeling back skin is not only difficult but results in the banana being smashed. Some how science has found a way to shrink bananas and intentionally or unintentionally prevent the monkey peeling method. Personally, I'm very proud of modern science for doing so. Now monkeys will have to fumble through the ritual of trying to open bananas like everyone else. Serves them right.

For the record, in mini bananas (or bananettes as I call them) -

Science 1

Apes 0

So what if mini bananas are too expensive, too small, too hard to find, too bananay - they're still monkey proof. So if you are on team Charlton Heston, then be happy that you're bananas are now safer than ever from monkey hi-jinx.

"Take your stinking paws off [my mini bananas], you damned dirty ape!"

Modern... Whatever: Pt 3 - Back to the Doctor

This past week as been beyond a doubt one of the most trying times of my entire life. To add to all of this, I found out that some of the people I've been spending time with day after day... have the type A flu. Which with my understanding, this could be the bad kind but they are waiting for the genetic testing to determine if it is. So, here I am today feeling tired... sore throat... earache... slight fever... and the phone rings with my friend telling me about his same symptoms and finding out he has the flu.

Crap.

Well if you don't know my doctor situation, then read my previous blogs from earlier this year about going to the doctor and feeling old - titled "Modern... whatever that word is for things you remember?" and my followup doctor experience "Modern... whatever... : Pt. 2 Adding Insult to Injury"

I go to my doctor, or Doctor Doogie as I call him. I'm pretty sure that this guy is younger than me and confidently certain that I wouldn't want to know how much younger - so I don't ask. I then speak to two different nurses, each with their own laptop... I kept waiting to hear Star Trek's Captain Picard say over the intercom... "Doctor Crusher, report to the sickbay at once." Then after this, I took two swab tests - one for the flu and one for strep. Both results were back less than ten minutes later. Oh the wonders of modern technology! Then the doctor confidently told me that they were negative and had no idea what was wrong with me. He suggested for my sore throat and earache to start sleeping on my other side.

What?

Why not just tell me to go home and eat chicken noodle soup... or rub some snake oil on my neck and then do a little dance while speaking in tongues. I waited in the sitting area for twenty minutes, then waited in the room with two different nurses and the doctor - all for that advice. You've got to be kidding. Thanks, but no thanks, Doogie. I will just go home and drink lots of fluids and take my vitamin C. I'm pretty sure that I saw that on advertising or on public television or something. Not solid, high tech advice - but better than sleep on my other side, eeeggaad man.

If I'm going to visit some young prodigal medicine man, then the least he could do was give me antibiotics or something. Nothing too experimental, just the standard mid-Twentieth Century attempt at The Hippocratic Oath. Geeeez. Maybe next time, I'll just google my illness or just ask Web-MD to give me some helpful advice. At least with googling, I could've saved a $30 co-pay and had the exact same results. I've about reached my limit from dealings with Doogie.

If somehow there is a super computer intelligence off in the distant future, out there skimming the interweb, reading my words. Read this, if you can alter time a la Terminator style - then please bend space and time so that you can send help. Send push button medical science from the future and get it here as fast as you can... or just beam me to your sickbay.