Modern... whatever... Pt. 2: Adding Insult to Injury

Last week I ranted on old age sneaking up on me in my 30's. I think of old age during this part of my life as the following analogy. Imagine you're young, say sixteen. You see someone else that's sixteen trying to sneak into a movie theater... you do not point it out to authorities when you oversee it. Plus you actually may help them even though you don't know them. The whole time you're saying in the back of your head, "come on, do it... cheat the system!"

Now when you see stuff like this, it sorta pisses you off. You want to say, "hey there hooligan... I just waited in line for twenty minutes and paid $15 for a movie that probably sucks... you can wait with everybody else, then pay, then you'll earn a right to complain - that's the system, this isn't a soup kitchen! And by the way, quit texting your friends during the movie - they're only three seats over and can read your lips... you emoticon-typin' tool."

See you thought the analogy of old age sneaking in to your 30's would be like the kid sneaking into the movie theater, but you were wrong. It's really the analogy of me becoming a grumpy old man to the back drop of annoying teenagers plaguing the great American cinema experience. Sort of like how this analogy could be carried forward to people in their 60's and 70's chasing young whipper-snappers off their lawn with brooms. And after today, I was so pissed that I finally had to say bring it on. I say bring on the black socks with sandals... prune juice while watching Matlock... Tuesday blue plate specials... and witty bumper stickers which parallel life with fishing.

Here's the latest news. So I've been sick... what of it? I've been exhausted with a week of almost sick, then really sick, then almost better, then near death, then... kinda need a nap, then just plain old sick. Well today I had finally had enough. I went to the doctor.

I hadn't been to the doctor in a long while, since my 20's which I thought was good. Apparently that's not good and more importantly it's bad. I've been reclassified as the doctor's equivalent of "buyer beware" - my warranty presumably expired sometime over the last three to four years.

I had to fill out a medical history questionnaire that asked me about all kinds of weird stuff, including my advance directive... i.e. - the "Do Not Resuscitate" statement.... whoa, pilgrim! I just have a cough sorta, I plan on leaving here with a heartbeat. Then the form asked me about whether or not I had a prostate exam lately.... whoa again, hold up! I came here for a prescription, maybe to go as far as having a wooden tong pressed against my tongue or have one of those little cone shaped lights stuck in my ear... that's the most evasive procedure I will tolerate for the flu. I'm not here to be violated, like some after school special teaching stranger danger. Now this has gone too far.

And here's where the day goes completely awry. The nurse has me stand against the wall to measure my height. Then she says, "and with your shoes deducted... about six foot." Oh okay, I accept that. Seems fair.

Next she has me step on the scale. FYI - Honestly I haven't been able to workout much and I've been completely out of it - being sick or injured or something since before Christmas. So... she has me step on the scale. I say, "I've got my phone, ipod, keys, and wallet on me - do you want me to...?" She immediately says, "no, just step on up." Then I look over and it says 210.4 on the digital scale... and she writes down 211! 211? She rounded up, without even considering all of my unnecessary non-bodily gear I was carrying. Why did she estimate my height so closely then just fudge up the numbers for my weight? 211. Yes, I said it. 211. Damn her.

Then she said, "You're heavier than you look."

Well... shit. Thanks, I guess. That's not a compliment no matter how you take it. I really wanted to answer back with, "Well thanks, you're not as dumb as you look either."

Then I walked into the actual doctor's examining room. He went through a bunch of minor tests, all the stuff I expected with my ears and throat. But that's not the part that got me. This is. The doctor was younger than me. I've never been to a doctor younger than me, ever. And, it just made me feel that much older when he called me sir as I left. Shit.

Oh and by the way, he also mentioned that I have high blood pressure. Wonder what could cause that... could it be... oh, I don't know... maybe this circus you call a medical facility? Thanks for your help... Doogie.

I then went to the pharmacy and got my antibiotics (which apparently were enough when I was younger, but not anymore), so the doctor started me on a cycle of steroids too. Not kidding. I then spent the next three hours trying to find something to eat at work so I could take my pills... just like a crabby, impatient senior citizen. Well, shitballs.

I leave you with a quote from the movie Christmas Vacation by Art played by the late, great E.G. Marshall.

"I have to eat, so I can take my back pill!"