Moonwalker WTF? Review, Part 1

Recently I was feeling nostalgic, so I was watching youtube videos of old video games. Some were obscure and others were timeless... then there was the video game Michael Jackson's Moonwalker for Sega Genesis. I fondly remembered that a friend of mine had this game in 9th grade and I played it quite often. It was weird, but shit... it was Michael Jackson, what do you expect? So after hearing this youtube gamer go on and on about how the game doesn't make sense, I thought to myself, "has he ever seen the movie?" The movie itself probably has had less viewers than the video game, so does this random gaming critic not know there was a movie or what? This lead me to where I am now.

I am sitting here (right this very minute as I type) watching Moonwalker on laserdisc... (reader asks self, "what's a laserdisc?" - hey you, never mind, that's for a different blog). So, here I am watching this movie. I remember my cousin trying to get me to watch it like 17 years ago. I passed and rented Time Bandits instead... which is also weird, but Terry Gilliam movies kick ass. Sorry, I digress.

So somehow after all these years I was no better than this youtube guy that had pissed me off. I still had never watched this movie until today. You know why? Because it's ri-f'ng-diculous to find. Out of production on VHS, never released on DVD, don't even ask about Blu-ray - this movie is like trying to find Jimmy Hoffa. I actually almost bought it on VHS, but it was $20... and that's shite (this is not a typo, remember I sometimes curse in the vernacular of other regions - in this case the UK). Anywho... I passed on the VHS because honestly that sucks. I found an unsuspecting seller that was selling a like new US version of the laserdisc for $20 - now that's not a practical way to spend twenty bucks during a recession, but at this point I was becoming determined and frankly this particular version is worth about $50 to $75 - making this purchase a good deal.

What do I expect from this movie? Honestly... not sure. Here is the trailer I watched before buying it.

Now you tell me, what would you expect? Well no matter what you said, you were wrong. First of all I thought this was going to be a cheesy special effects crapfest. And truly these kinds of crapfests are usually pretty entertaining. I like watching these pre-CGI movies... they really put the "special" in special effects. So I fire up the ol' Pioneer LD player. This thing has been with me through thick and thin - I have had since 11th grade. And yes, it's about as high tech as my electric toothbrush, but shit... I can't let go. It sounds like a weedeater when it starts up... and it's pure trainwreck afterwards. Personally I just turn the volume up on the tv and keep my fingers crossed hoping it doesn't burn my house down.

Now that the movie is going... wtf? This movie starts with a Michael Jackson Pepsi commercial... and no I'm not kidding. I have never, in my 20 years of laserdisc-watching, seen a commercial on a disc. Lame. Now the movie itself starts right? No, not really.

Next the title screens appears with Michael singing the opening to "Man in the Mirror" with just a bunch of live footage of him in some ginormous stadium. Which would be kind of normal, but the entire time there are cut away shots of young girls crying and then passing out or falling over (presumably they're trampled afterwards) and being passed over the crowd to medics... wtf? One girl is screaming like she's gone bananas and some security guy just drags her off... with the back of her heels scraping the ground. No really, this is actually happening - not once, not twice, it's the entire introduction to the movie. Next are a bunch of archival shots of famous political figures... Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr, John F Kennedy, John Lennon, Mother Theresa - then there are cut aways to starving African children - but then they go back to the concert where crying girls are passing out and being carried away... double wtf? This movie is a great mix of cringes, laughs, and then guilty inappropriate giggles.

Next is just a bunch of footage which starts off making fun of Michael Jackson... wtf? Yes, I said it. They mention that he built a shrine to Elizabeth Tayler in his bedroom, then it says he was admitted for burns to his scalp. You remember the old playground rhyme about Michael and "Pepsi burned him up" - well this movie, which he made himself, is making sure we'll never forget all that stuff. Then there's tons of footage from the Jackson Five which is pretty cool, but this plays into the creepy song "Ben" from the movie of the same name... wtf? Ben is the movie that was remade into Willard starring Crispin Glover... and yeah if you know these movies then you know that this song just seems way too weird... even for Michael Jackson. And yes as this song plays, during Moonwalker mind you - not Ben, there are rats crawling around looking at a stage performance of Michael singing "Ben" on a newspaper... wtf? What does any of this have to do with the movie Moonwalker? And when in the hell is the movie from the trailer going to begin?

A space car... of somekind flies across the screen. Shizer! (shizer is German for shit). Finally! I'm on chapter five of this disc and finally the movie starts, right? No now there's a video to "Bad" completely reenacted by children - with facial hair. Yes, that's right a bunch of little 8 years with five o'clock shadows and mustaches... seen here.

Right afterwards the song ends with the main kid - still in Michael Jackson persona - walking off the studio set with his assistant and asking, "is Bubbles in my trailer?" (FYI - Bubbles is Michael's pet chimpanzee in real life.) The assistant guy answers yes. Then the young Michael asks what Bubbles is wearing. The guy answers - verbatim - "he's wearing a Prince t-shirt and red sneakers." ... triple wtf? Seriously this is all really happening. I can't make this shit up.

Okay, I give up. I'm going to watch the rest (or lack there of). This may require a wtf follow-up.