Wagging Tales: Hayden Hearts The Big Apple

This blog is like the lost episode of I Love Lucy that was found years later... except in this case it's months later and not worth the wait.  I had this as a draft and the video didn't load right, etc  - next thing you know I forgot about it.  For those of you who have asked about this - here it is... in all of it's mediocre glory.  (from 12/18/2008)

THE ORIGINAL BLOG BELOW

Wagging Tales: Hayden Hearts The Big Apple

Well, maybe Big Apple is a little much... how about two very small apples that approximate the size of one big apple?  This is the previously mentioned follow-up to "Orange Ball" uploaded earlier.  Today's weather wasn't great, but after the last few days... I'll take what I can get.  At a chipper 46 degrees, I decided to give Hayden a chance to stretch his legs and play with his other favorite fruit...

Joaquin Phoenix Train-Wreck

No one steers a train-wreck quite like David Letterman. And by steer, I mean into a dramatic head-on collision. To say that Letterman succeeds at these ghastly interviews is an understatement. Sometimes Dave uses his wit to make quick comebacks or other times he may just goad the guest with his repetitiveness - but never underestimate his ability to wield the power of uncomfortable silence.

Well last night was another one of those nights. This time Joaquin Phoenix is in the crosshairs for what must have seemed like an eternity to him. If you've seen the Paris Hilton-not-wanting-to-speak-about-jail interview, then this is at least up to par. Personally I think it's better. For its sheer awkwardness, this should even compare to such classics as the infamous Crispin Glover interview of the late 1980's.

There is usually a reoccurring theme in most of these types of interviews... anger to an embarrassing topic or a loaded question... or the perceived notion of being impaired by a "substance" of some sorts. My favorite anger interview(s) came during the Pekar stint in the 80's, in which the two of them became practically combative over Harvey's mutliple appearances. Although my favorite "substance theory" interview is probably a tie between Glover and the notoriously bizarre Farrah Fawcett appereance. All of these can be found searching various video websites through the keywords of the guests' last names and Letterman. Good stuff.

The Joaquin Phoenix interview from last night will stand up to the test of time as well. Whereas a normally bad interview on some other late night talk show could get slashed back to a smaller segment, here Letterman rolls out the welcome mat and stretches this thing on for as long as he can - over 10 minutes. It's worth every minute too. Letterman knows controlled chaos like no other.

It should be noted though, that much of this could be for publicity.  It has been stated by some that Casey Affleck & Joaquin are supposedly working a movie about manipulating the media.  Let us not forget one of the greatest Letterman moments that occurred between Jerry Lawler and Andy Kaufman, which amazingly enough is considered the most bizarre... and totally staged (unbeknownst to Letterman), moments on the show.  Either way, fraud or odd, Joaquin will be placed high among the list of weird Letterman moments. 

Letterman: "Joaquin, I'm Sorry You Couldn't Be Here Tonight"

Due to removal, the previous video has been replaced by this 

shorter one. The original is about twice this long. Sorry.

Modern... whatever... Pt. 2: Adding Insult to Injury

Last week I ranted on old age sneaking up on me in my 30's. I think of old age during this part of my life as the following analogy. Imagine you're young, say sixteen. You see someone else that's sixteen trying to sneak into a movie theater... you do not point it out to authorities when you oversee it. Plus you actually may help them even though you don't know them. The whole time you're saying in the back of your head, "come on, do it... cheat the system!"

Now when you see stuff like this, it sorta pisses you off. You want to say, "hey there hooligan... I just waited in line for twenty minutes and paid $15 for a movie that probably sucks... you can wait with everybody else, then pay, then you'll earn a right to complain - that's the system, this isn't a soup kitchen! And by the way, quit texting your friends during the movie - they're only three seats over and can read your lips... you emoticon-typin' tool."

See you thought the analogy of old age sneaking in to your 30's would be like the kid sneaking into the movie theater, but you were wrong. It's really the analogy of me becoming a grumpy old man to the back drop of annoying teenagers plaguing the great American cinema experience. Sort of like how this analogy could be carried forward to people in their 60's and 70's chasing young whipper-snappers off their lawn with brooms. And after today, I was so pissed that I finally had to say bring it on. I say bring on the black socks with sandals... prune juice while watching Matlock... Tuesday blue plate specials... and witty bumper stickers which parallel life with fishing.

Here's the latest news. So I've been sick... what of it? I've been exhausted with a week of almost sick, then really sick, then almost better, then near death, then... kinda need a nap, then just plain old sick. Well today I had finally had enough. I went to the doctor.

I hadn't been to the doctor in a long while, since my 20's which I thought was good. Apparently that's not good and more importantly it's bad. I've been reclassified as the doctor's equivalent of "buyer beware" - my warranty presumably expired sometime over the last three to four years.

I had to fill out a medical history questionnaire that asked me about all kinds of weird stuff, including my advance directive... i.e. - the "Do Not Resuscitate" statement.... whoa, pilgrim! I just have a cough sorta, I plan on leaving here with a heartbeat. Then the form asked me about whether or not I had a prostate exam lately.... whoa again, hold up! I came here for a prescription, maybe to go as far as having a wooden tong pressed against my tongue or have one of those little cone shaped lights stuck in my ear... that's the most evasive procedure I will tolerate for the flu. I'm not here to be violated, like some after school special teaching stranger danger. Now this has gone too far.

And here's where the day goes completely awry. The nurse has me stand against the wall to measure my height. Then she says, "and with your shoes deducted... about six foot." Oh okay, I accept that. Seems fair.

Next she has me step on the scale. FYI - Honestly I haven't been able to workout much and I've been completely out of it - being sick or injured or something since before Christmas. So... she has me step on the scale. I say, "I've got my phone, ipod, keys, and wallet on me - do you want me to...?" She immediately says, "no, just step on up." Then I look over and it says 210.4 on the digital scale... and she writes down 211! 211? She rounded up, without even considering all of my unnecessary non-bodily gear I was carrying. Why did she estimate my height so closely then just fudge up the numbers for my weight? 211. Yes, I said it. 211. Damn her.

Then she said, "You're heavier than you look."

Well... shit. Thanks, I guess. That's not a compliment no matter how you take it. I really wanted to answer back with, "Well thanks, you're not as dumb as you look either."

Then I walked into the actual doctor's examining room. He went through a bunch of minor tests, all the stuff I expected with my ears and throat. But that's not the part that got me. This is. The doctor was younger than me. I've never been to a doctor younger than me, ever. And, it just made me feel that much older when he called me sir as I left. Shit.

Oh and by the way, he also mentioned that I have high blood pressure. Wonder what could cause that... could it be... oh, I don't know... maybe this circus you call a medical facility? Thanks for your help... Doogie.

I then went to the pharmacy and got my antibiotics (which apparently were enough when I was younger, but not anymore), so the doctor started me on a cycle of steroids too. Not kidding. I then spent the next three hours trying to find something to eat at work so I could take my pills... just like a crabby, impatient senior citizen. Well, shitballs.

I leave you with a quote from the movie Christmas Vacation by Art played by the late, great E.G. Marshall.

"I have to eat, so I can take my back pill!"

Modern... whatever that word is for things that you remember?

So I'm going to be Thirty-thrrrruuun... something this year. It's not like I feel old... oh wait I did have some joint and back issues this past year. Scratch that last part. It's not like my mind feels old... wait I forgot what this blog was about. Where was I going with this? Blah.

Here I'd like to add a quote by Jasper from my favorite episode of The Simpsons titled Duffless - Ep. 16, Season 4.

(Jasper enters Community Center.  Rev. Lovejoy sits at the welcome table)

Lovejoy: Coping with senility? [wondering why Jasper had arrived]

Jasper: [gruff] No. I'm here for Microwave Cookery!  No, wait.  Coping with senility.

Oh yeah, so I'm one of those people who has really good memory. I have fairly vivid memories of my very early childhood, from before I could really even talk much. But up until my mid-twenties, I thought everyone had those memories. Evidently not. So it's no surprise that as my short-term memory starts to fog up a little, I'm starting to fear forgetting normal stuff I take for granted everyday.

Normally if I forget something, I then remember it when I'm reminded of something similar. Not anymore though, I've started forgetting stuff that honestly I'm not for sure if I ever had known it or done it. It's very scary for me too. I have a semi-recollective photographic memory. In other words, weird things like a song will come on the radio and I have a flash memory of exactly where I was driving maybe week or even five years ago the last time I heard that song. I see the front windshield of my car the surrounding environment, etc - all from that day in the past. It's a little unnerving, especially since I have no control over how to productively use this skill. The closest I ever got was in college. I would read a book for a class, then when I needed to sight a specific section of the book, then usually I could remember what part of the page (left or right - bottom paragraph, third sentence, etc.) and where in the book to find that section, even if the book was 500 pages or more. It's weird.

So, here's where we are today. I leave a string of evidence all over the house telling where I've been throughout the day, which helps me find my glasses... which I lose about every 30 minutes. I feel like frick'n Velma from Scooby-Doo. And don't even ask about my eyesight as I get older. And if it's not my glasses or billfold or keys, then it's my damn shoes or jacket. The remote control to the TV has become my arch-nemesis. My short term memory isn't worth crap anymore.
And if that wasn't bad enough, then this is the nail in the coffin. I hate when I watch a trailer for a movie that looks interesting or hear a song I like. Then I spend the next eternity trying to remember the name of it. I can't imagine how many hours I've wasted digging around on yahoo or amazon with vague descriptions of items, just hoping I'll stumble across it. Well... BINGO! Today Netflix helped me find a movie I forgot the name of in 2005... which is how long I've been trying to find it. In 2007 I went as far as asking a guy at Blockbuster to load the Ellen Page movie Hard Candy on all of their 12 TV screens, just because I thought I saw the trailer there. Well after spending 10 minutes getting it all set up (with other customers looking on)... the previews section did NOT have the trailer I was looking for... it was a different movie... shit.

After that tool-riffic idea, I decided to scale back my searches to the internet. Well that didn't pan out, many different times. And after all that searching I almost feel embarrassed to know what the real movie is. I'm sure that this movie looked interesting in 2005, but I'm even MORE sure that it won't be interesting enough to justify my stupid-angry-mega-quest.

Well just to keep everybody from asking, here is the trailer for the movie... Mean Creek.

And yes, now it's in my Netflix queue... so I won't forget. And this movie better be good, it owes me hours upon hours of my life back.